Transfer Rumours: Manchester United Set To Sign Mikel John Obi..

Do you know what Manchester United need right now? Somebody to offset all of Michael Carrick’s ‘vertical’ passes. Somebody, apart from Paul Pogba, Marouane Fellaini and Morgan Schneiderlin (and potentially Phil Jones or Danny Blind, to add some physicality and the expense of tempo and guile in central midfield. Somebody that is going to give a United counterattack the sideways pass to the full-back that it deserves.

Somebody that hasn’t made a single appearance all season. After one league win in seven games, do you know what Manchester United need right now? They need Mikel John Obi.

According to his agent, then-hot-teenage prospect Mikel  burst into tears of sadness  in 2006 when he found out that he was signing for Chelsea, not Manchester United, after a long, controversial transfer saga that the Mill is too tired to repeat, and you, reader are too tired to read but ended in Chelsea paying United £12m and Lyn Oslo £4m. Mikel had even posed in a Manchester United shirt alongside life-size posters of himself and Henning Berg in a press conference in Norway. “His mind was set on Manchester United,” said Mikel’s agent John Shittu.

“Alex Ferguson said to me that Mikel would be the new Roy Keane.” It turned out Mikel didn’t become a Manchester United player, or the new Roy Keane, but at the age of 29, there is still time. That is why, according the Sun, Mourinho is set to depart with £2m to persuade Chelsea to sell up, with the Nigerian in the last year of his contract. Think about the testimonial Mikel/John!

Slightly more exciting, a lot more expensive and a lot less likely is Liverpool’s move for Christian Pulisic from Dortmund, owing to the fact that the American teenager – contracted until 2019 – would cost more than £25m and also because by the time the January rolls around, Philippe Coutinho should be returning from injury.

Armed with all the imagination of the Mill on a hangover, Ronald Koeman has decided he wants to spend £40m of someone else’s money on a player that he used to manage, and that played really well against his team at the weekend. Everton’s well-paid scouts have decided that Southampton’s Virgil van Dijk is 6ft 4in of ponytailed class, as have other talent-spotters at Manchester United.

Four starts in the Championship, and already Nottingham Forest are fighting off interest in 19-year-old blonde bombshell Joe Worrall. Stoke City look favourites to snap up the centre-back. Neven Subotic says he considers a January move to Middlesbrough “an option” after his failed move in the summer. The Serb failed a last-minute medical then – with good cause, he’s yet to make an appearance this season – but Aitor Karanka is apparently still keen, if the 27-year-old can get himself fit.

Internazionale have won a game of football, which may or may not have caused journalists in Spain to link arguably the best striker in the Premier League right now, Diego Costa – currently on both top of the table and a healthy London-based wage – with a €50m move. It’s optimistic, even for the Mill, but a rumour nonetheless. Italian businessman Andrea Radrizzani has confirmed his interest in a 50% share of Leeds United with a view to buying the Championship club outright. “Leeds are exciting” says Radrizzani, who has been seen numerous times at Elland Road this season. “They are a sleeping giant as everyone knows. Probably the only big brand left in England that could grow in terms of value.” Radrizzani probably doesn’t read the Guardian.